By: sleepiness

sleepiness — Sun, 23 Dec 2007 04:56:04 +0000

I just read through my past and see plenty of grammatical errors. I should have proof read first.
I just got really caught up in what I was writing because the subject is so sore for me.

By: sleepiness

sleepiness — Sun, 23 Dec 2007 04:52:44 +0000

I went through this for years. I even blacked out and felt I was dying and went to the ER over it. I was 19 or 20 I think. And my uncle was murdered and I accused God of being an evil puppeteer pulling us all around as puppets on a string. I am not sure what I was saying to him that lead up to that, but I said it and then thought that since God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit were all one then if I blasphemed God then I just blasphemed the Holy Spirit. Nothing became important anymore except for my obsessive thoughts. I would forget to brush my teeth. I would literally forget to eat. My body was so unhealthy. My eyes looked sunk in my head and my cheeks were hollow. I was so scared. I would go to the park to get alone with God so that I could see if I could hear from him and perhaps in solitude I would hear from him and he would tell me everything was ok. I would lose sleep. I would work but just barely make it through the day. I became obsessed with being “holy” so that hopefully God would accept me or have mercy on me atleast. One day not long after this happened I was standing up in the kitchen and I had tunnel vision. Everything around me went black except for this tunnel before me that I could still see through then I stumbled as If I would faint. Then my heart started hurting really bad and skipping beats so I called the Paramedics. I was soooo terrified I was going to hell and God was killing me for my sins that I asked the paramedic if he believed in Jesus and he said he did. I then asked him what the unpardonable sin was and I’m not for sure of his response but I kept trying to assure myself I was ok. Many things happened over the years with doubts and fear but I was barely getting by. One day a long while after I realized I had not committed the unpardonable sin that day. I realized (at least at that time) what the unpardonable actually was. I celebrated and was so happy. I could live now and everything would be fine. Except that victory was soon replaced with the realization that I have since that time committed the blasphemy of the Holy Spirit because blasphemy according to the dictionary was to speak of Holy things with disdain or disrespect so i rationalized in my mind that even using the Holy Spirit’s name when not edifying could be classified as taking his name in vain. I also realized that there were times I doubted seeing the Spirit’s power and whether it was really of God. I also had fleeting thoughts that things were of satan and not of God only to go into a whole tail spin again that I was damned for eternity. I eventually became so obsessed with it that my health mental and physical began breaking down and I would think I wanted to die so that I could just get hell over with instead of anticipating it all of my life. I also convinced myself many times over the years that I was the tares among the wheat that Christ had sown in the church and that I should remove myself from the church to keep from leading anyone astray and doing satan’s work. There is so much more to this story cause it goes on for years but eventually I moved out of state and did not go to church for a while and eventually backslid. When I did it was really hard on me and I struggled and struggled with it but eventually hardened myself enough not to think of the nightmare of a life I lived and I was able to live somewhat of a normal life since then. I have not been part of a stable church for that reason and many others since then. Most of the reason’s being that everyone seems to have ridiculous theologies on the bible these days and most of them seem heretical to me. Then there is the other part that sees all of the problems with the canonization of the bible etc… So I’m walking a fence now. I want to believe and am scared not to. But I feel if I let go I could maybe have peace of mind. I can’t let go because of supernatural experiences I have had and can’t hold on because of logical reasons.

By: Joe

Joe — Sat, 03 Mar 2007 18:10:33 +0000

When I was about 13 years old, after reading this passage, I went through that. I hadn’t taken in the verse in context, and I believed that any word in vain using the Holy Spirit would condemn me to hell. One time, I ate something hot, and with the unforgivable sin on my mind, I said “Holy Spirit” and then I immediately thought of the eternal implications of my two words and quickly added on “is good all the time.” I had that terrible fear, and it didn’t totally go away for a few years. . . until I read the verse in context and better understood what it meant. Anyway, I am in a similar situation as you KingIsSailing, as I am up in the air on what to believe right now. Still, one of the main things I worry about is almost the same thing I worried about as a 13-year-old– hell. I’ve grown up fearing it, and I don’t know if I can or will ever get over that fear.

By: SteveJ

SteveJ — Wed, 28 Feb 2007 17:36:40 +0000

Yes, I’ve had that same terrible fear. So did John Bunyan, the author of “Pilgrim’s Progress.” He was so afraid he might blurt something out that he would plunge his head into a puddle to prevent it. The poet Willaim Cowper actually went to his grave convinced he was damned. He even stopped praying so he might honor God’s choice to exclude him from the elect.

Comments on: Can a 10 year old boy offend God so much…

By: sleepiness

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By: Joe

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