Resolution

A few weeks ago, I wrote down titles and ideas for articles to place on this website.  I came up with 38 ideas for articles.  I wrote skeletons for each, and all that was needed was a little flesh before I could place them here for everyone to think about and comment on.  I had a great article on the story of Ananias and Sapphira and today’s church fund raising strategies all ready to go – and I decided not to publish it.  I instead looked at my earlier articles, and watched how the style of my articles progressed as my faith in Jesus Christ disappeared. 

My earliest articles were written while I was a faithful Christian, with doubts.  They were simple questions.  As I read and studied more, the questions became more sophisticated, more troublesome.  Pretty soon, my articles started professing real heresy - The Resurrection Challenge, Polytheism in the Old Testament, etc.  And last of all – an article on Secularism, written as a credo by Robert Ingersoll that makes more sense to me than any Christian Creed that I ever recited.

I took a couple of weeks off the Internet, a break from my Theistic reading, a break from commenting on other blogs.  I just needed some fresh air, and some time alone with God (whoever God is) to think about everything I have learned.

I have reached a kind of resolution.  While I still have questions about the Bible and Christian belief, they are now merely academic to me.  My faith no longer hangs on the answers to those difficult problems.  I found answers, but they are diametrically opposed to Christian belief.  My questions about the Bible are now no more than amusements to me.  I might as well face it - I am in no way a Christian anymore.  Morally?  Sure, I can be Christain in the sense of maintaining Christian values.  Do I have faith in Jesus Christ for the saving justification from God and the remission of my sins?  No way.  I used to, I had that faith for many years, but that faith has evaporated.  I am convinced, after much study, reading, reflecting, prayers, tears that The Gospel message for our salvation is pure fiction – pious mythology.  I am not saying this to offend anyone.  It is not a conscious decision to reject any Christian’s belief system; I have not signed my name on any dotted line, and I mean no insult.  I don’t really consider this a de-conversion.  It is just a reaction to what I have learned and experienced.  I can no more believe in Jesus Christ as the savior of mankind than I could believe in Superman as the savior of mankind.

I can list many many reasons why I am no longer a Christian.  But I have defended myself to my fellow church friends many times in the last year or so, and frankly I am tired of it.  I am holding responsibility up to the Christian to tell me what reason I have to believe.  I am open minded – I am willing to accept sound reasoning why I should believe.  I will trust Christianity and Jesus if there is a good reason to believe the Gospel Message is true and the Bible has any divine authority – I have nothing against it and hold no grudge.  But I just see no reason why those things should be true.  And sadly most Christians reason out and analyze last night’s episode of American Idol more than they do their own Christian beliefs – and I think that is tragic.

I am not angry or bitter regarding my years of Christian belief.  On the contrary!  Christianity has taught me an enormous amount about people and why they believe what they do.  Christianity has given me a sound moral foundation, a heart for generosity and giving, and loving and caring for my fellow human being.  Christianity has given me a healthy sense of humility and taught me my proper perspective in the world.  But leaving Christianity has also taught me more about people, both good and bad.  Leaving Christianity has given me a new appreciation for The Bible, as I see it and read it as a human document with whole new meanings, and no longer with the bogus and constricting straightjacket of infallability.  And a side-effect has been a renewed interest in history and literature in general.  

I also believe that since there is no Divine Salvation, there is probably no afterlife – neither Heaven or Hell.  The fact that there is no Hell is a huge relief for me, and a reason for hope for the countless billions I used to believe were doomed with damnation.  If there is no afterlife, then I am committed to making the most of this life as I can, because this is it, baby.  This realization convicts me to be the best man and husband that I can possibly be, and has drawn me even closer to my lovely wife. 

So what will happen with this website?  I don’t know.  I still want to publish articles, but since I am not questioning as fervently and have reached a sort of resolution, my articles won’t be as frequent.  Computers are not a hobby of mine anyway, and given a choice I would much rather be working in the yard or jogging in the desert with my dogs.  I have many diverse interests, not just theistic discussion, so future articles may branch out into other areas, such as history, desert ecology and conservation, physics, astronomy, and maybe even my true love *gasp* mathematics!  Whatever happens, I will avoid Politics like the plague. 

When I do discuss the Bible or Christianity, I still resolve not to debate (too much anyway) with my readers.  Sure, I throw out questions to counter an argument every now and again, but in the end I really don’t care what anyone on the internet believes.  But just remember this.  Life has a way of being unpredictable – all I ask my readers is to never stop learning, or stop asking questions, or take beliefs or claims at face value.  I will continue to do the same, as that philosophy has enriched my life greatly. 

I am not a Christian.  Where do I go from here? 



29 Responses to “Resolution”

  1.   AgnosticAtheist Says:

    HIS,

    Very good post. I struggled with your parting question for years. Where to go when I was no longer a Christian. In fact, I so wanted to stay connected to my faith and come up with some form of Christianity that made sense. However, no matter what I tried, I was always disappointed.

    I thought… It’s the O.T. It doesn’t accurately portray God. Jesus fixed that. Then I read Matthew through my new eyes and discovered – well….. he really didn’t.

    I realized that my Christianity was never really Bible based. My God was a loving father in Heaven who was loving and merciful. My Jesus was consistently kind and compassionate. Sadly, after my eyes were opened, I went back looking for this God and Jesus in the New Testament and they could not be found. I was very disappointed.

    In the end, I came to the conclusion that even if there is a God, none of our religions accurately describe him/her. All we in holy books (such as the Bible) are man’s views of God.

    Now, I call myself an agnostic atheist. I choose not to believe in God but realize that there’s a possibility that something beyond what we know exist.

    If you’d like to be a part of a group blog (where posting occasionally is ok), please let me know and we’d love to have you contribute to the aA blog.

    Good luck.
    aA

  2.   Ed Lynam Says:

    Your last question reminded me of John 6:66-68. While I’ve had many doubts over the years, I’ve never held the strict fundamentalist view of the Bible, and that seems somewhat protective of my faith. I’ve also had those direct contacts with people who’ve told me about their near-death experiences, that were remarkable. I think you were wise to take some time away from the efforts of blogging to consider things for yourself. I do hope this decision doesn’t create any difficulties in any relationships, especially those whom you connected to while active in Christianity. Thanks for opening up many interesting topics, this process has helped enrich my faith. Best to you, Ed L.

  3.   HeIsSailing Says:

    aA sez:
    “In the end, I came to the conclusion that even if there is a God, none of our religions accurately describe him/her. All we in holy books (such as the Bible) are man’s views of God.”

    I have come to this conclusion as well. The Bible is just man’s striving to find God – not God revealing himself. And in that sense it is a fascinating book, or should I say, series of books. I also read 1Enoch recently and really enjoyed it – but there is no way these are divinely inspired or inerrant.

    And regarding Ed Lyman’s passage of John 6:66-68, indeed, Jesus contained the words of eternal life so, as Peter asked Jesus, to whom shall I now go? I don’t have any desire to go shopping around for a belief. I am not going to go around reading every holy book out there to find what makes most sense to me – I just don’t see that happening. There very well may be a God – or gods or some divine creative force – I cannot ever discount that as a possibility. But if there is, that is information that I have no idea what to do with. And apparantly, neither does anyone else. That is why Holy Books are written, I guess.  Believe it or not, primitive religions which regard Earth, Sun and Nature as a life force makes much more sense to me than Christianity – especially in this day and age.

    Ed, I have read your links regarding near-death experiences, and I know you have worked with patients who have had those. While it is indeed fascinating, I guess there is no way it can be more than a curiosity to me right now. I guess this is something that has to be experienced before it can directly impact your life.

  4.   Heather Says:

    HIS –

    I don’t blame you for taking a break. It can be very refreshing, and helps to focus on other things.

    I’m glad you’ve reached a decision that brings you peace. Hopefully, you will continue to post, as you’ve had very insightful comments on Christianity. Granted, you’ll no doubt get a lot less debate if you post on any other topic (with the exception of politices, but you are wise and avoiding that one).

    **I am not a Christian. Where do I go from here? ** One day at a time. As you’ve said, since you now feel this is it, you’re going to make the most of what you have. And, after all, if this is it, then you don’t want to waste too much time wondering what to do now that you’re not longer a Christian.

  5.   bruced Says:

    Great post! I love talk straight from the heart!

    Thing is, if Jesus existed, and if he was the Christ foretold by the prophets of old, then the work is done… and it doesn’t matter if anyone believes it or not.

    To me, the cross of Christ changed nothing for all of mankind – it only revealed God’s love for us. God didn’t change his mind, he only sent a message to his creation – “all is well”.

    Believing in the God of traditional Christianity only confuses people, and allows fear and doubt to hold them captive. But, allowing for the possibility that God is far greater than organized religion professes, and permitting ourselves to see him as the essence of Life itself… the one who holds the universe together, sets order to things (even keeps our atoms from flying apart in a million different directions)… can free us from all that holds us back from a fulfilling life.

    “Salvation” is not from hell, but from ourselves, and all the doubts and fears we’ve been indoctrinated into. Salvation is a freeing of the mind to live within all the possibilities, unlimited, and unfearing.

    God is not angry with us, and he never was. He is with you always- in you, and all around you. You cannot separate yourself from Him, and He cannot separate Himself from you. You are one with Him, and always have been. Awakening to that can change your life incredibly.

    Or not!

    Great peace!

  6.   DagoodS Says:

    I am glad that you have found some tranquility on your quest. I am a mite curious, though. I was introduced to your blog from a statement of concern that you would end up like me.

    Do you feel better or worse or the same about that concern?

  7.   Jim Jordan Says:

    Hi HeIsSailing
    Your resolution is not surprising since you have been saying that you still haven’t found what you’re looking for for some time now. Where do you go from there? Since you say there may still be a God, I recommend reading up on scientific discoveries and trying to make a list of what a creator would be like based on what science is telling us. If you don’t find anything, at least you’ll be in for some interesting reading. Good luck.

  8.   HeIsSailing Says:

    DaGoods sez:
    “I was introduced to your blog from a statement of concern that you would end up like me. Do you feel better or worse or the same about that concern?”

    Not sure how to answer this. I have never been concerned in the sense of fear. “Oh no, I might turn into one of those apostates like DaGoodS here!!” I saw an article by you describing your departure from Christianity, and I saw in my own life a trend heading in that same direction – except you are a much better writer than me and expressed it better than I ever could. I do that often – I read other articles written so articulately that I think, “Doh! Why didn’t I think of that first??”

    So, it is not a concern regarding my own beliefs – I feel very good about myself, I am drawn closer to my wife from the experience and life continues on. Sometimes the transition is a little tough – especially with friendships that have gotten strained, but I do have a few true friends who hang on with me through thick and thin. One Christian friend in particular sometimes questions me in a noncombatative way – trying to figure out why I left Christianity – and it makes for fun discussion.

    One thing I do miss is a church that I find meaningful. I do sometimes attend Catholic mass with my wife, just as a means of contemplation – but the symbols and rituals of the mass hold little meaning to me at all. I am considering going to different churches – not on a religion hunt, but just to find something meaningful that I can connect with. But I admit I am grasping at straws there. I do miss the company and fellowship of like-minded believers.

  9.   HeIsSailing Says:

    Jim Jordan sez:
    “Since you say there may still be a God, I recommend reading up on scientific discoveries and trying to make a list of what a creator would be like based on what science is telling us.”

    This is a great idea, and is something I have had fun thinking about in the past. But science is always changing, so we have to be careful thinking about a creator who devised something unexplainable – because tomorrow we may be able to explain it. This has happened over and over and over and over again through history, and our vision of God and even the way Christians interpret Scripture needs to be continually updated.

    I honestly would love to be able to write a book on this subject. It is something I have considered for several months.

    But more directly to your question of what I would expect of a Creator considering our current view of science – I want to sit on that for a bit and write an article about it after some thought. I am a physicist, so naturally I have thought of this many times over the years, but I want to do your question some justice.

  10.   DagoodS Says:

    I’m sorry, HeIsSailing, but I am little help in the “church” department. I attended church for 1 1/2 years after my deconversion. I truly tried to make it work in some way. The church conceded it had absolutely nothing for me. My wife was on pins, needles and razor blades with me there. I could no longer help in any of the ways that I had before. The service was mind-numbingly inadequate.

    Frankly, my home life improved dramatically when I stopped going. We all rest a bit easier.

    It was so hard to listen to such minimalist statements. Even things I knew were downright incorrect. Throughout the week I would be engaged in conversations regarding textual criticism on some small verse, learning about Greek nuance, manuscripts, codex variations, Jewish culture, etc. I would read argumentation back and forth amongst the various positions.

    Then on Sunday, I would hear a sermon on how Jesus was the Bread of life and Bread was the basic sustenance of food, and wanted to inflict paper cuts on my face with hymn pages just to distract me from the simplicity of it. Before, since I was an “us” I could question some of the concepts being raised. Always acceptable for one Christian to question another. Now, I am a “them” and kept my mouth shut. The same questions from an apostate are considered fighting words. An accusation, not an interrogatory.

    I told people it was like discussing Calculus all week, and on Sunday being taught Second-grade math. Learning Geometry the next week, and coming back to Second-grade math. Then quantum physics. Back to Second-grade math. My head wanted to explode.

    (And remember that at this point the vast majority of my Christian friends wanted nothing to do with me. Socialization dropped to “zero” as well.)

    Finally, a good (Christian) friend pointed out that Church caters to the lowest common emotional denominator. His words. I thought and thought on that, and realized how true that is. I was frustrated with a “church” that was not designed to handle me. I compare it to going into a Bowling Alley and trying to roller-skate. Both are fine past-times. But bowling alleys are not designed to be roller-skated in.

    I cannot say I have found a good replacement. I work on one, in particular, but to be honest it is not as satisfying.

    After almost three years, I still miss church. Ain’t life ironic?

  11.   HeIsSailing Says:

    DagoodS,
    Boy, can I ever relate to this stuff. About 2 or 3 months ago, a Christian friend from my old home small group asked what I had been reading. I showed him what I was then working on – ‘The Formation of the Christian Bible’, by Hans von Campenhausen. It is pretty scholarly stuff, and not at all radical but fairly conservative at that, but it is a tome of incredible information about very early Christianity and how our Bible was really formed, things you will never ever hear in Bible school, and not at all difficult if you stick with it. Anyway, he took one look at that book and told me the same thing your friend said. He advised me not to go back to Sunday Service, since it appeals to the lowest common denominator, and I would never find what I was seeking there.

    I just finished Robert Price’s ‘The Reason Driven Life’, which just demolishes Warren’s ‘Purpose Driven Life’, but also shows how infantile and dumbed down current Evangelicalism really is. A pretty fast read, but he really nailed it.

    Although I don’t attend Sunday Service anymore, I do sometimes listen to sermons on the radio, and I feel your pain. I often yell at the radio like a crazed sports fanatic who’s team is losing, “No No No!! Taken out of context!! Bogus assumptions on authorship!! The Bible never says any such thing!! No! Foul!”

    Right now, I would like to hook up with mission trips to Mexico (I live right on the border), and I occassionally help with the Church Ministry that cares for severaly handicapped children. These poor souls don’t care what my Theology is, and the churches here do some mighty fine work across the border. But I still have run-ins with other people on these trips who are uncomfortable with me tagging along.

    Hey, there you go? We are all just trying to fit in somehow.

  12.   Heather Says:

    **Then on Sunday, I would hear a sermon on how Jesus was the Bread of life and Bread was the basic sustenance of food, and wanted to inflict paper cuts on my face with hymn pages just to distract me from the simplicity of it.** Lol. Oh, I can relate to that. And to HIS comment of hearing a verse taken out of context and just wanting to yell. I have some evangelical friends that I find it hard to have religious conversations with for that very reason.

    In one example, I was discussing how many scholars believe that Paul didn’t write all the letters attributed to him. My friend said that was silly, because that would mean that the actual writer was either crazy or a liar. I was just staring at her, trying to tell her that using a ‘famous’ name was common practice in those times.

    HIS, one book you might like is called ‘The Dishonest Church’ by Jack somebody. He makes a point that many go to seminaries and learn about the Jewish culture, the Greek nuances, and the authors of the Gospels and such. Yet they have to ‘dumb’ down the services for the ones in the pew, because a ‘regular’ person expects a certain set of beliefs, even though the pastor can no longer hold those beliefs due to his/her studies.

    What this author is saying is that the reason why mainline churches are declining is because the services are being taught to the lowest denominator, and people can sense that. Therefore, the mainline churches need to start sharing some of the information, such as the authorship of the Gospels, or how the virgin birth came about.

  13.   Jim Jordan Says:

    Hi HIS
    That would be the science that has been thoroughly explained. I watched a forum where a Christian guest was explain how a two-year-old string theory could be explained by the Bible only to have the guest physicist correct her on the spot that the theory had already been disproved. How stupid was that?

    Dagood said **Finally, a good (Christian) friend pointed out that Church caters to the lowest common emotional denominator.**

    That is absolutely correct! It’s reflecting the culture: public schools, entertainment, politics. Just as the Great Awakenings molded the message around liberty, now we wrap it around mass marketing. Thanks for sharing that insight.

  14.   Jennifer Says:

    Bravo friend. You are now free to move about the cabin. LOL!

    I have been through the same transformation, and so has my blog. I started my blog as a way of reaching out to others with the gospel. A year ago it became an outlet for me to explore the questions I had, and ultimately came to the same conclusion you have.

    I write very little about my questions or my beliefs anymore, because I just simply got tired of arguing. I am not trying to de-convert anyone, and I don’t want people trying to reconvert me. I have found, unfortunately, that the majority of people out there just aren’t open minded enough or brave enough to allow themselves to intelligently question things. Once in a while I will post along those lines when something is weighing heavy on me, but it is rare.

    So where do you go from here? Anywhere you want! :D I know, I have asked that a lot too. At first it felt like I had just jumped off the tallest cliff in the world, and was free falling without a parachute. It was terrifying. But before long I realized I wasn’t falling, I was flying. And it is incredible! Now that we aren’t consumed with destinations, we are free to really experience the journey. My advice is to sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.

  15.   joeyanne Says:

    Thank you, Heissailing for the honest discussions. I hope you never stop learning and asking questions – even though this “forum” seems to be at an end. Being a scientist, I am certain that you will always have more questions. I pray that you will find the peace you have been seeking your whole life. And I am grateful to have been a small part of these online discussions. I have learned a lot.

  16.   jennypo Says:

    No one can live in a vacuum of questioning for long. Now that you have reached a kind of conclusion, HeIsSailing, I hope it gives you a bit of breathing space to begin with what you know, and ask what the real questions are, for you. I hope that you will use your knowledge of science to search out deep truth about our universe, and about humanity, and of course, about God. Real answers have to come to us in a form that we can trust.
    Of course you know that I hope that you and everyone here comes someday to know the God that I have encountered, not because I want to be right, but because in him I have found all that my deep soul longs for, and I can’t help wanting the same for you. But even if you never see what I see, I am so grateful for the chance to share your questions. They have poked holes in the fabric of my worldview, and through those holes, I have again caught glimpses of the One who calls himself Love. Without wanting to be, I find myself too quick to make assumptions; too eager to accept pre-chewed philosophies. Those who dare to struggle tear at the weavings of our carefully-constructed ideas of what truth might be, and make way for the Truth.

  17.   phil gates Says:

    I have personaly never felt the god of the Bible was anything like the God I knew in my heart. I have had God speak to me from the Bible. Thankfully My faith has rested in Him and not the curchie version of him. Yet mostly the bible is used to make people serve the clergy and the institution.

    Caps and non caps intended.

    phil

  18.   BlueNight Says:

    The only thing that made sense to me during my times of doubt was realizing that sin goes undefined in many churches. I had to discover what sin meant before I could appreciate salvation.

    Sin is those choices we make that hurt others, or ourselves, or the universe. It’s when we say, this person or that person doesn’t matter to me, I just want ____. Fill in the blank with anything anyone could want, even good things like psychological health or stable personal finances, but more often than not it’s survival instincts gone awry.

    I almost became a humanist atheist, simply because my church had no rationalists for me to talk with. For a time, I considered myself not to be a Christian, because I could not agree with the “social” definition that other Christians seemed hell-bent on enforcing.

    But it all came together after God showed me that love was the missing factor that made the equation turn out right. Someone willing to give everything for me, personally, was something I had not imagined.

    I know that right now, this comment is just about the last thing you want to see. But I do hope God helps you learn His heart. Knowledge of the character of God is the anchor of the soul. I hope to see you in Heaven, in a century or so.

    I also encourage you to take a look at my blog, which expounds on a simple fractal ontology (philosophy) that has helped me to cope with the Real World in a way school did not prepare me for. Inspired by the structure of the Trinity, it can also be taken as a completely secular philosophy.

  19.   Brendan Says:

    BlueNight:”The only thing that made sense to me during my times of doubt was realizing that sin goes undefined in many churches.”

    Never ceases to amaze me to see practicing Christians can’t answer this question that, by their own slogans, is central to their entire “faith.” What are the claiming constitutes “sin”?

    HIS: When I broke from Christian culture, I started intensely studying philosophy and comparative religion. There was actually a point at which I was able to go back to Christian mythology and draw a great deal of personal meaning from it, but only once I was able to recognize how it was merely another attempt to capture the human experience of the mystery of being limited as they all are by perspective and cultural context. Once I understood what mythology was all about, I discovered two amazing things: the amazing similarity of all attempts to answer the big, uncomfortable questions once I learned to read “religion” as mythology rather than history; and how profound a jewel is sitting in the middle of every great mythological system, largely unnoticed by each systems’ orthodox adherents.

    Here is a summation of my current post-Christian conclusions that allow me to move in and out of pretty much any mythology: http://agnosticgnostic.blogspot.com/2007/05/angels-in-architecture.html

  20.   societyvs Says:

    HIS, I think the reflective plus inquisitive nature of these posts is quite good – and I think they help a lot of us look into issues we would normally never even consider. Even in the disagreeance I see the humanity of us all – but it’s a humanity that wishes well for the other (which is rare in Christian and Atheist circles – but this is one outlet). I think the continued work here might serve us all a lot. Either way, I am quite thankful for all the discussion you raised – heck I even want to emulate the way you do it.

  21.   marie Says:

    Welcome to the world of weird! I de-converted a couple months ago and it is the weirdest thing I have ever gone through. Just know that there is satisfaction in being a non-christian, and there is peace.

    I look forward to reading your contributions on that other blog!!

  22.   notabarbie Says:

    HIS-

    I had just recently found your site and am sad you are leaving, but I am looking forward to reading you on A A.

    I’ve been in the “deconversion” realm for a while and about two months ago I came to the same type of conclusions that you have and stopped going to church for good. It is a big relief not to go and be a fake anymore.

    You did ask the million dollar question though, which was, “where do I go from here?” It is rough. You leave an entire community of people and I have discovered that once you make the break, you lose that community. I have been kind of shocked by how unloving some of my Christian friends have been to me in the name of “Christian love.” I find myself low on friends right now, but I’m excited for the future and am working on developing a new community. It’s kind of like being a man without a country though. We should have some sort of a convention, like the Trekkies do. I don’t know what we would call ourselves though.

    I do wish you luck in all of your endeavors. I am sure you will do well.

    Barbara

  23.   Stu Says:

    Hi HIS

    I’ve added your site to my favourites. I used to be a Christian and a very sincere one at one time. There always seemed to be something missing/not quite right however. I was always trying to rationalise why life as I experienced it didn’t tally with the idea that a personal God had a plan for your life and communicated directly to you. And always battling with doubts and sin. I don’t know what these people are on who say the Christian life is the most fulfilling, best possible life. It’s not, and I gradually came to accept that that’s what I thought. I think for me the crunch came when I decided to admit for the sake of argument that there was a possibility that I might be wrong. As soon as I did that, I could read atheist arguments with an open mind, because after all if Christianity is true it should be able to stand up to these arguments, and I need have no fear of them. I realised that atheist arguments made sense, and were more rational than Christian arguments. After a lot of soul searching I realised that the only reason I believed in God and Christianity was that I was brought up to believe it. If I had started out as an atheist and came across Christian beliefs now they would seem utterly foreign and ridiculous. So I decided to try and live life as if God didn’t exist. I’ve never looked back!! I remember the first day I did that I felt a new joy and excitement to life. And to this day I have more joy, peace, and love of life than I ever did when I was a Christian.

    I’ve got a blog which I started writing during my doubting/crisis time (link above) – feel free to link to it from your site if you wish, I’ll do the same on mine.

    I love reading about different peoples stories, especially those whose path is similar to mine. I have been lucky in keeping most of my Christian friends, who seem to like me for who I am, rather than what I believe. I do miss the company of like-minded people though, as we’re no longer like minded any more. I wish there was an atheist church out there!!!

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    our vision of God and even the way Christians interpret Scripture needs to be continually updated.

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